Read Your Mind

Lesson 1

Hear “No” as “Not Yet”

Treat every rejection as data. In your head, replace the word no with not yet.

• When a table turned Pearlman down, he didn’t quit. Each “no thanks” told him what to change so the next table said “yes, please.”
• His reset line after a rough one: They must be having a rough night. I can’t wait to bring joy to the next person.
• When something goes wrong, remind yourself that no matter how awful it feels now, it’ll get better.
• Roger Federer won 80 percent of his matches but only 54 percent of his points. Even the best lose almost half the time.
• If you don’t buy the ticket, you lose 100 percent of the time.
• Be deliberately kind to yourself. Positive affirmations feel silly, but say them enough and they rewire your brain.

Lesson 2

Make “No” Hard to Say

Your opening line decides how easy it is for someone to turn you down.

• “I’m here compliments of the owner, and it’s your lucky night!” sets a good feeling right away. “Do you want to see some magic?” hands people an easy exit.
• Approach at an angle. Animals feel safer when they only see you with one eye, because it reads as one step in, one step out. Pearlman walked up to tables almost as if he were leaving.
• Give three options. To land $500 a show, he offered bronze at $400, gold at $500, and platinum at $750. Nobody wants the bronze, so people drift to the middle.
• Same logic in any negotiation: decide what you want, start higher, and leave room to come down to where both sides win.
• Once you’ve got the yes, never overstay your welcome.

Lesson 3

Say What Everyone’s Thinking

Walking into a room of strangers? Name the awkwardness out loud. Almost everyone else feels it too.

• At a singles event where nobody’s mingling: “I don’t know about you, but I was a bit nervous to give this a shot.”
• At a party where you don’t know a soul, with a warm smile: “I’m a fish out of water, I don’t know anyone here. Definitely nervous talking to all these strangers.”
• It works because authenticity is what draws people in. Honesty is most of what charm is.
• Charming to disarm means clearing people’s preconceived notions off the table and taking a shortcut to how you want them to see you.

Lesson 4

Be the Most Interested Person in the Room

Make the interaction about them. That’s what makes people look and feel good.

• Put your phone in your pocket, show interest in what’s being said, and stop interrupting. Easier said than done.
• Paraphrase back what they said, and summarize the conversation at the end. It proves you were listening.
• Empathy beats sympathy. Sympathy is feeling for someone; empathy is feeling with them, which keeps the focus on them instead of your reaction.
• Watch for the pedestal effect, the bias that makes anyone with power or authority feel a level above you. Humanize them and put everyone on the same footing.

Lesson 5

Get the Name Right

Listen, Repeat, Reply, and you’ll never forget the name of someone you just met.

• Listen: turn your mind off and actually hear the person.
• Repeat: say it back immediately. “Ashley, oh, I love that. Is that the traditional spelling?”
• Reply: comment on the spelling (“Is that Brian with a y or an i?” Whatever the answer, it’s the best way to spell it), or work the name into a compliment: “Brian, I love those glasses. Where’d you get those, Brian?”
• In a group, make a joke of it: “Is there going to be a quiz later? You said you’re Megan. Megan, so good to meet you.” Say each name three times. Most people don’t bother, and that extra beat sets you apart.

Lesson 6

Use the Details

Knowing someone’s details isn’t enough. Use them, so they know their life mattered enough for you to remember.

• Compare “How was your summer?” with “How was the new place in Kennebunkport this summer? Did you love being by the ocean? How did the kids enjoy all that boating?” The first gets you “fine.” The second gets a real conversation, and maybe a surprise commonality (“No, I’m allergic to lobster”).
• Everything they’ve shared is fair game: kids’ birthdays, an interesting vacation, a new house. Don’t let it go.
• Sincere compliments open the door: “What a gorgeous piece of jewelry. Is that an heirloom? Is there a story behind it?”
• Use humor whenever it fits. A funny line or a wry comeback bonds people fast.

Lesson 7

Let Your Body Do the Talking

Well over two-thirds of communication is nonverbal, and body language is the easiest part to control.

• Keep your palms open, point your feet the same direction as the other person, make eye contact, and lean in.
• Keep your hands visible. People trust you less when they can’t see them, and hands shoved in pockets can even make you seem less attractive.
• Pearlman watches eye movements in his act: up and to the left usually means recalling a memory, up and to the right means constructing an idea. Fun for a stage show, but I’d treat it with skepticism; the research on this one hasn’t held up well.
• The best tool you have is a smile. It releases dopamine and endorphins, cuts stress hormones, and even boosts antibody production.

Lesson 8

Lower the Temperature

Don’t charge at someone who’s already running hot. Make yourself smaller.

• Approach an angry person with a calm you may or may not feel. The smartest plan is always to de-escalate.
• Kill them with kindness, and make them feel heard. Repeat what they said and empathize: “I’m so sorry you had this experience. That had to be uncomfortable, and that’s just not right.”
• Pearlman taught his kids to wait a ten-count before reacting when they’re mad. It works just as well on adults.
• For a kid’s bedtime meltdown: validate the feelings, lower your voice, and get down to their eye level so there’s less of a power imbalance.

Lesson 9

Write It Down, Then Be Useful

Take notes on everyone you meet. It’s the cheapest way to make people feel remembered.

• The moment Pearlman walked away from someone who’d handed him a business card, he wrote the date, the place, and everything they’d said on the card in tiny print.
• Every note becomes a memory for that person, and there’s nothing anyone likes more than being remembered. When they get back in touch, reply in a way that makes them feel special again.
• It works on anyone: your kid’s principal, a first date, the sales lead you’ve been chasing forever.
• The same instinct gets you a mentor. Find someone who’s where you want to be in five to ten years, and earn their buy-in by being of value to them first.
• Before you reach out, ask: What can I do to add value for them? What would make their life easier? How can I make this work both ways?
• Give help as freely as you ask for it. This week, ask one or two people you deal with if there’s anything you can do for them.
• Everyone’s busy, and no one’s ignoring you on purpose. Let people know you exist.

If you enjoyed these notes, check out my takeaways from What Every Body Is Saying by Joe Navarro and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.