Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy (10/10)

Part I – Dr. Becky’s Parenting Principles

Chapter 1: Good Inside – Every child—and adult—is good inside.

Understanding that we’re all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying “I hate you”). 

This type of leadership is what every child craves – someone they can trust to steer them down the right path. It’s what makes them feel safe, what allows them to find calm, and what leads to the development of emotional regulation and resilience.

“Most generous interpretation”: Finding the good inside can often come from asking ourselves one simple question: “What is my most generous interpretation (MGI) of what just happened?”

Finding the MGI teaches parents to attend to what is going on inside of their child (big feeling, big worries, big urges, big sensations) rather than what is going on outside of their child (big words, or sometimes big actions).

Tell your kid: “You’re a good kid having a hard time…I’m here. I’m right here with you.” – Kids will develop empathy for their own struggles and helps them regulate their emotions.

Chapter 2: Two Things Are True: Multiplicity – the ability to accept multiple realities at once – is critical to healthy relationships.

You can validate your child’s emotional experience and enforce boundaries. (e.g. I hear you’re mad about turning off the tablet – and yes, it’s still time to turn it off”)

Building strong connections relies on the assumption that no one is right in the absolute, because understanding, not convincing, is what makes people feel secure in the relationship.

To understand, we must attempt to see and learn more about another person’s perspective, feelings, and experience.

Convincing is an attempt to be “right” and as a result, make the other person “wrong.”

Understanding (“two things are true”) and convincing (“one thing is true”) are two diametrically opposed ways of approach other people, so a powerful first step is in any interaction is to notice which mode you’re in.

At our core, we all want someone else to acknowledge our experience, our feelings, and our truths. When we feel seen by others, we can manage our disappointment, and we feel safe and good enough inside to consider someone else’s perspective.

“Two things are true” is a foundational parenting principle because it reminds us to see our child’s experience as real and valid and worthy of naming and connecting to. And it also allows us to hold on to our own experiences as real and valid and worth of naming and connecting to.

Chapter 3: Know Your Job: Parenting gets easier when you know your job—and what is not your job.

The parent’s job is to provide safety (physically and emotionally) and set boundaries (calmly and consistently)not tomake your child always happy or prevent all negative feelings.

Boundaries are not what we tell kids not to do; boundaries are what we tell kids we will do. (e.g. I won’t let you throw these toys. I won’t let you hit your brother. Screen time is over now, I’m going to turn off the TV” vs. “please stop hitting your brother”)

Validation is the process of seeing someone else’s emotional experience as real and true, rather than seeing someone else’s emotional experience as something we want to convince them out of or logic them away from.

Empathy, the second part of a parent’s emotional caretaking job, refers to our ability to understand and relate to the feelings of another person.  We need to be curious about our child’s emotional experience from a place of learning, not judgment.

Final statement with validation and empathy: “I won’t let you hit your brother…I know you’re frustrated! Having a brother who can crawl and get into all of your stuff is so hard. I’m here. I’ll help you figure out how to keep your block structure safe”

Chapter 4: The Early Years Matter: the way parents interact with their kids in their early years forms the blueprint they take with them into the world.

Kids will learn emotional regulation, sense of safety and security, beliefs about their self-worth, and develop habits of connection, conflict, and resilience in these early years.

Attachment Theory: children are wired to seek out and attach to individuals who provide the comfort and security they need to survive.

Behavior: A child is hesitant to join a birthday party, clinging on to his mom.

Parent Response #1: You know everyone here. Come on! There’s nothing to be worried about!

Attachment Lesson #1: I can’t trust my feelings because they’re ridiculous and overblown. Other people know better than I do how I should feel.

Parent Response #2: Something about this feels tricky. I believe you. Take your time. You’ll know when you’re ready.

Attachment Lesson #2: I can trust my feelings. I’m allowed to feel cautious. I know what I am feeling, and I can expect other people to respect and support me.

Relationships with parents that include responsiveness, warmth, predictability, and repair when things feel bad set a child up to have a secure base.

The more children feel they can depend on a parent, the more independent they can be.

Chapter 5: It’s Not Too Late – it’s never too late to change, heal, and build stronger connections with your child.

The Power of Repair – one of the most powerful tools in parenting isn’t perfection – it’s repair.

Children who are left alone with intense distress often rely on one of two coping mechanisms: self-doubt and self-blame.

Self-doubt causes a child to wire themselves to believe: I don’t perceive things accurately. I overreact. I cannot trust how things feel to me. Other people have a better idea of my reality than I do.

Self-blame allows a child to feel in control, because as long as he convinces himself he’s a bad kid doing bad things, and that if he was better he would feel more secure.  

How to repair: Say you’re sorry, share your reflections with your child – restating your memory of what happened, so your kid knows it wasn’t all in his head and then say what you wish you had done differently and what you plan on doing differently now and in the future. It’s important to take ownership over your role.

Chapter 6: Resilience > Happiness – Many parents chase their child’s happiness—but resilience is a more powerful and sustainable goal.

Cultivating happiness is dependent on regulating distress. We have to feel safe before we can feel happy.

Anxiety is the intolerance of discomfort.

Regulation first, happiness second

The Power of Resilience:

We can’t always change the stressors around us, but we can always work on our ability to access resilience.

Building resilience is about developing the capacity to tolerate distress, to stay in and with a tough challenging moment even when we don’t have confirmation of achievement or pending success.

We should be guided by on question: am I helping my kid tolerate and work through this distress, or am I encouraging my child to avoid and beeline out of the distress? We want the first, not the second.

Happiness vs. Resilience: The more we emphasize our children’s happiness and “feeling better”, the more we set them up for an adulthood of anxiety.

Chapter 7: Behavior Is a Window: Rather than viewing behavior as something to fix or punish, view it as a window into a child’s internal experience.

Behavior is never “the story”, but rather it’s a clue to the bigger story begging to be addressed.

When we see behavior as the main event instead of as a window into an unmet need, we may “successfully” shut down the behavior, but the underlying need remains, and it will pop again, Whack-a-Mole style. When we don’t attend to the source of the leak, the water flow remains unchanged.

Ask yourself these questions after any tough moment:

• What is my most generous interpretation (MGI) of my child’s behavior?
• What was going on for my child in that moment?
• What was my child feeing right before that behavior emerged?
• What urge did my child have a hard time regulating?
• What is a parallel situation in my life? And if I did something similar, what might I have been struggling with in that moment?
• What does my child feel I don’t understand about them?
• If I do remember that my child is a good kid having a hard time..what are they having a hard time with?
• What deeper themes are being displayed underneath this behavior?

Chapter 8: Reduce Shame, Increase Connection: Shame is one of the most destructive forces in a child’s development. While it may change behavior in the short term, it disconnects children from themselves—and from you—in the long run

Shame activates the ultimate fear for a child, the idea, “I am bad inside, I am unworthy, I am unlovable, I am unattachable…I will be all alone.”

Our goal as parents should be to notice when shame arises in our child, understand what situations bring it up, and see how it presents behaviorally. After that, we want to develop shame reduction, which enables us to help our children feel safe and secure again. Detect first, reduce second.

When we use shame-based tactics (e.g., yelling, threats, guilt trips), we might stop the behavior, but at the cost of our child’s internal sense of worth and safety. The question isn’t “Did it work?”—it’s “At what cost?”

Connection First: Connection is the opposite of shame.  Connection is a sign of presence, safety, and goodness.

Chapter 9: Tell the Truth: Truth-telling is foundational for trust, but many children lie—not because they’re “bad,” but because they’re scared. We don’t want our kids to lie better, we want them to feel safe telling the truth.

Our parenting is dependent on our willingness to confront our own truths and from there, we can better connect with our kids. Watching a parent confront hard truths will help a child learn to regulate his feelings

Confirming Perceptions:  When in a “tell the truth” situation, start with “______ happened” You were right to notice that.”  This is critical. Confirming our children’s perception sets them up to recognize when things don’t feel right later, and it will empower them to trust themselves enough to speak up.

Labeling What You Don’t Know: Talking honestly with our children about what we don’t know is an important iteration of the “tell the truth” principle.

• When we don’t have clear answers say: “Here’s what I don’t know and here’s what I do know”

Chapter 10: Self-Care: You can’t regulate your child if you can’t regulate yourself

There’s a common misconception that having kids means sacrificing your own identify – that once you’re charged with taking care of young children, you are no longer entitled to take care of yourself.

Kids actually feel comforted when parents set firm boundaries around self-care.

Kids don’t want to feel their leader is someone who cannot be located, who is easily overrun by others, who is…lost.

The quality of our relationships with others is only as good as the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves.

The more regulated you are, the more effective, connected, and compassionate your parenting becomes. You don’t need to parent perfectly—you just need to lead from a place of steadiness and self-awareness.

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Part II – Building Connection and Addressing Behaviors

Chapter 11: Building Connection Capital: We can’t change behavior until we build connection

Just like a bank account, your relationship with your child holds connection capital—the emotional reserves built through consistent, attuned, warm interactions.

The more connection capital we have with our kids, the more likely they are to listen, trust us, and come to us when things are hard.

Ways to Build Connection Capital:

1. Play No Phone (PNP) Time: being fully present:
   1. Limit time to 10-15 minutes
   1. No phones, no screens, no siblings, no distractions
   1. Let your child pick the play. This is key
   1. Allow your child to be in the spotlight; your job is only to notice, imitate, reflect, and describe what they’re doing.
2. The Fill Up Game: use at the beginning of the day, before any separation, etc.
   1. Tell your child, “I don’t think you are filled up with Daddy right now. I think Daddy is only up to your ankles. Let’s fill you up!
   1. Give your child a long tight squeeze
   1. “How about now? What? Only to your knees? Ok round two…”
   1. Squeeze your child again; maybe grimace, as if you’re using all your might.
   1. What? Only to your belly? I though it got higher with that squeeze! Ok, more Daddy coming, round three…”
   1. Once your child feels filled up, give one more squeeze saying: “Ok, well let me give you some extra, just in case. There are so many changes these days, it’s probably good to have some extra mommy stored up in there.
3. Emotional Vaccination: We connect with out children before a big feelings moment, thereby strengthening regulation skills before our child needs to use them. By connecting, validating, and anticipating, we build up our child’s “emotion regulation antibodies.”
4. The Feeling Bench – sit with your child when your child tells you about a difficult feeling. Say very little as they talk. Nod. Look sympathetic. Offer your child a hug while they’re upset. Breathe deeply together.
   1. Say:
      1. That sounds really hard.
      1. That sticks. It really does
      1. I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this
      1. I believe you
      1. I’m right here with you. I’m so glad we’re together talking about this
5. Playfulness: find ways to laugh and have fun together
6. Did I Ever Tell You About the Time…?  allow the parent to relate to the child’s struggle from a personal perspective – builds connections, acknowledges a child’s good-inside-ness, and teaches problem solving skills, all without talking about the problem directly, which can feel too intense for a kid in the moment.  Shares your vulnerability
   1. Identify the essence of your child’s struggle.
   1. Take on the problem as your own: remember a moment, in the past/when you were a child, when you struggled with something similar.
   1. Talk to your child not in the heat of the moment, but when things are calm. “Did I ever tell you about the time…”
   1. Engage your child in the story, ideally one where you didn’t come up with a  quick fix, but struggled and just kind of got through it.
   1. Do not end your story by directly relating it to the child. There’s no need to spell it out.  Allow the story and moment to stand on their own, trusting that it will reach the part of your child that needed connection
7. Change the ending: Repair
   1. Share that you’ve been reflecting
   1. Acknowledge the other person’s experience
   1. State what you would do differently next time
   1. Connect through curiosity now that things feel safe

Chapter 12: Not Listening: “Not listening” is rarely about disrespect. It’s usually a sign that something deeper is going on—emotionally, neurologically, or relationally.

The more connected we feel to someone, the more we want to comply with their requests.

When our kids aren’t listening to us, it’s critical to frame the struggle not as a child problem, but as a relationship problem. The relationship needs to be strengthened.

Strategies:

1. Connect Before You Ask: The single most important strategy in regard to listening is to connect to your child in their world before you ask them to do something in your world. (e.g. Wow, you’ve been working so hard on that tower. I know it’s going to be tricky to pause and take a path. If we do a quick bath now, you will have time to build more before bed.”)
2. Give Your Child a Choice: this strategy works really well when paired with “connect before you ask.” If you can give your child the agency to make a choice, they’ll be more likely to cooperate.
3. Humor: “Oh no…your listening ears are lost! Ok wait I think I found them. Oh my goodness, can you believe this…I found them in this plant! How did they get there? Let’s get them back on your body before they sprout into a flower.”
4. Close Your Eyes Hack: “I’m going to close my eyes – then place your hand over your eyes – and all I’m saying is that if there is a child with his shoes on when I open my eyes…oh my goodness if there is a child all velcroed up , I just don’t know what I’m going to do? Maybe fall to the floor or do a silly dance”

Chapter 13: Emotional Tantrums: Tantrums signal a child’s emotional nervous system in overload—an explosion of feelings they haven’t yet learned to regulate.

Be the firefighter, not the judge during a tantrum.

We cannot encourage subservience and compliance in our kids when they’re young and expect confidence and assertiveness when they’re older.

Our goal during a tantrum should be to keep ourselves calm and keep our children safe. After that, we want to infuse our presence so that children can absorb our regulation it the face of their dysregulation.

Strategies

• Remind Yourself of Your Own Goodness – stay regulated yourself
• Two Things Are True – validate their feelings without fixing
• Name the Wish – literally say out loud what your child is wishing for that they aren’t getting (“You wish you could have ice cream for breakfast. I know”)
• Validate the Magnitude (You want crayons….You want them SO big…as big as this room! Or the whole neighborhood!”) “I’m so glad I know how big it is. It’s so important. I’m here with you.

Chapter 14: Aggressive Tantrums (Hitting, Biting, Throwing) – these moments call not for punishment, but for protection: protecting the child, yourself, and your connection

Aggressive behaviors like hitting, biting, or throwing are not signs of a “bad” child.
They are signs of a child whose emotional distress has overwhelmed their nervous system, and whose body is now trying to release that energy in the only way it knows how.

Your job during these tantrums is to: keep your own body clam and keep your child safe.  Keeping a child safe in his case means focusing on containment, because a child who is out of control needs a parent to step in firmly, put a stop to the dangerous behavior, and create a safer, more boundaried environment where the child cannot continue to do damage.

Strategies:

• “I Won’t Let You” – communicates that a parent is in charge, that a parent will stop a child from continuing to act in a way that is dysregulated and ultimately feels awful.  This behavior begs for sturdy leadership.
• Differentiate Urge from Action – Having the urge to hit is okay; hitting a person is not okay. Finding safe ways to redirect our children’s urges can be much more successful than trying to shut down the urges themselves.
• Contain the Fire – pick up the child and carry them into a room that is relatively safe. Get into the room, shut the door, sit at the door so your child cannot get out. prevent any physical aggression – “I won’t let you…”,  calm yourself down, don’t try to reason, don’t lecture, don’t punish, don’t’ say too much at all.  Before you talk to your child, find your slow pace and soft tone. Loud, chaotic tantrums need calm, steady voices.

Telling the Story

By returning to the scene of the emotional fire and layering on connection, empathy, and understanding, you add key elements of regulation on top of the moment of dysregulation.

Telling the story is essentially reviewing a chaotic meltdown moment in order to build coherence. Don’t need to tell the kid how to handle it differently next time – the simple act of adding your presence, coherence, and a narrative will change how to experience is stored in a child’s body.

Chapter 15: Sibling Rivalry – is a child’s way of saying, ‘Do I still matter to you?

Children don’t want more than their sibling—they want equal love, significance, and connection. When one child perceives a sibling is favored (more attention, praise, freedom), they feel emotionally unsafe. That insecurity comes out as competition, attention-seeking, regression, aggression toward the sibling.

Strategies:

• PNP Time – dedicated alone time for each child to spend with a parent
• “We Don’t Do Fair, We Do Individual Needs” –  we don’t want to aim for “fairness” in our families: we want to help our kids orient inward to figure out their needs, not orient outward.
• Allow Venting (but Only to You) – allow kids to talk to you honestly about their feelings toward their sibling(s).
  • Have a zero tolerance policy for name calling / insulting each other – this is a way for one kid to chip away at another kid’s confidence, especially when parents don’t step in to stop it.
• Step In When There’s Danger, Slow Down and Narrate When There’s Not
  • Step In (Dangerous Situation) – when our kid are out of control, they need us to assert that we are in control. “I won’t let you…”
  • Slow Down and Narrate (Not Dangerous Situations) – narrate the situation, model regulation yourself (deep breaths)

Chapter 16: Rudeness and Defiance: Rudeness and defiance are often just distress in disguise.

These behaviors are usually a child’s protective response to feeling powerless, overwhelmed, embarrassed, disconnected, or dysregulated. What looks like rebellion is often a plea for safety or control.

Meeting their rudeness with empathy and kindness will make them feel seen and help inspire kindness in return.

Strategies

• Don’t Take the Bait – responding to your child’s on the surface behavior, as if their words are their sole truth, is taking the bait. Seeing the feelings underneath the words is not taking the bait.
• Embody Your Authority – Without Punishing or Being Scary – narrate what you’re doing as you reassert your role of establishing boundaries.  Maintain the boundary and try to redirect the urge.
• Reflect and act later – connect and build regulation

Chapter 17: Whining: Children whine when they feel helpless

Whining = strong desire + powerlessness

The more focus on those feelings underneath the surface and give them the connection they need, the less your children will whine.

Children are often looking for an emotional release, and wining is a sign that everything feels too much – often it’s an indicator that a child needs to “let it all out” – say “Nothing feels good huh? Nothing feels like you want it to. I get that sweetie. Some moments are like that”

Strategies

• Restate the Request in Your Own Voice and Move on – “can you ask me that again without whining?
• See the Need – give 100% presence, squat down to the child’s level and say “something doesn’t feel good to you. I believe you. Let’s figure it out.”  Emphasize, allow the release, play the fill up game

Chapter 18: Lying – Kids lie not because they’re bad—but because they’re scared

Kid’s lie because:

• They believe telling the truth will threaten their attachment with their parents. Their survival is dependent on their attachment with us. They’re afraid of how we’ll respond.
• Assert their independence – try “I want to give you more independence. I know it feels awful, when you’re a kid to be in charge of so little. Where can we start? Where’s an area you’d like to have more control”

Strategies:

• Reframe the Lie as a Wish – “I didn’t know down my sister’s tower, it just fell” – respond with “You wish that tower was still up…” or “sometimes I do things and then wish I hadn’t done them…it’s so hard when that happens.  Seeing it as a wish allows us to feel on the same team as our child instead of them as the enemy.
• Wait and Provide an Opening Later – child:“I didn’t mess up the puzzle” me: “hmmm” (slow nod, not saying anything”). Come back and try to find the underlying reason/feeling for the lie.
• If it Did Happen – “All I’m saying is that if a kid in this family didn’t do their homework, I would really try to understand.  When I was seven and didn’t do homework for a bunch of days, it was so hard for me.  Anyway, if it did happen, I’d sit with you and talk it out. You wouldn’t be in trouble.”
• Asking a Child What He Needs to Be Honest – “Hey I want to talk for a few minutes. You’re not in trouble. I’m just thinking about how sometimes it’s hard to tell me the truth. And I’m not blaming you because I realize there must be things you must need from me in order to tell the truth. I’m wondering what you need from me, or if there’s something I could do differently. Because I want this house where you can tell me the truth about things even if you think they’re not so great.”

Chapter 19: Fears and Anxiety – When kids feel afraid, what they need most is to feel safe with us—even before they feel safe with the thing they fear

Our goal as parents should be to recognize when our child is in a fear state and help them move from: “I am in danger” to “I am safe”

We don’t want to talk our kids out of their fears because we want them to trust their feelings of threat and discomfort (“there’s nothing to be afraid of”, “it’s ok you’ll be fine”, “just do it”).

Strategies:

• Jump into the Hole with Them – keep them company.  Use the script below
• Dry Runs – think about an upcoming challenging situation and give children an opportunity to practice how they will reach when the “real thing” happens
• Scripts for Addressing Specific Fears
  • Talk to your child about his fear, aiming only to collect information and build understanding – “tell me more about what it’s like to walk into the dark”
  • Validate the child’s fear “makes sense” – “the dark can be scary because we can’t see”
  • Tell your child how glad you are that you talked about this fear – use the word important.  “I’m so glad we’re talking about this.  This is really important stuff.”
  • Engage in problem-solving with your child – “I wonder” and “I’m thinking about” can help
  • Create a mantra – “it’s ok to be nervous. I can get through this”
  • Share a “slowing coping with fear” story – “have I told you about the time when…”

Chapter 20: Hesitation and Shyness – Shyness is not something to fix. It’s something to understand

Some children charge into new settings with excitement. Others hang back, observe, and take time before engaging. Hesitation is not a flaw—it’s a temperament.

Strategies:

• Validate + “You’ll Know When You’re Ready” – use: “You’ll know when you’re ready to…” Communicates that you trust your child, which will teach them to trust themselves, and trust is the essence of confidence.  (“You haven’t been here before. It’s ok to check it out. You can stay near me as you do. You’ll know when you’re ready to join.”
• Preparation: prepare in advance, predict feelings.  Try preparing your child for a feeling without adding a solution or coping strategy; just pause, as if that really is enough. See what your child does next.
• Avoid Labeling – don’t label “oh she’s just shy” – provide a generous interpretation of your child’s behavior.  “She’s just figuring out what feels comfortable to her and that’s great”

Chapter 21: Frustration Intolerance – Kids don’t need to be rescued from frustration. They need help tolerating it.

The more we embrace not knowing and mistakes and struggles, the more we set the stage for growth, success, and endurance. Embracing mistakes as opportunities to learn, and helps build frustration tolerance.

The most impactful thing we can do with our kids is to show up in a calm, regulated, non-rushed, not blaming, non-outcome focused way – both when they are performing difficult tasks and when they are witnessing us perform difficult tasks.

Strategies:

• Deep breaths – take a deep breath and model it yourself
• Mantras – “I can do it” “I like to be challenged” “I can do hard things”
• Frame Frustration as a Sign of Learning, Not a Sign of Failure – “did you know that learning is hard? It feels frustrating. That feeling of “ugh I can’t do it” is a feeling that we’re doing something wrong, but actually, it’s a sign that we’re learning and doing something right.
• Growth Mindset Family values – “In our family, we love to be challenged.”
• Emotional vaccination, Dry Runs, and “Did I ever tell you about the time”

Chapter 22: Food and Eating Habits: Food struggles aren’t about food—they’re about control, safety, and autonomy.”

Eating is one of the few things kids can fully control. When parents try to force, bribe, or pressure, it often backfires, creating power struggles, anxiety, and disconnection.

Parent’s job: decide what food is offered, where it is offered, and when it is offered

Child’s job: decide whether and how much to eat of what’s offered

The most important idea around kids and food: minimizing anxiety around food is more important than consumption of food.

Strategies:

• Explain roles: “When it comes to food, you have a job and I have a job – and our jobs are different. It’s my job to decide on what we eat, when we eat, and where we eat. And just so you know, I’ll always offer at least one thing you like to eat so eating never feels stressful.
• Dessert-specific strategies – you shouldn’t link desert to how much a child eats, because that is the domain of a child, not a parent. Could serve it with the meal (smaller portion).
• Snack-specific strategies – “when you get home from school, the only snacks I will offer are ___and ___.”

Chapter 23: Consent – Kids learn about consent by how their bodies, their feelings, and their boundaries are treated—every day

Children need to internalize:

• “My body belongs to me.”
• “I can say yes or no—and be respected.”
• “I should respect other people’s bodies, too.”
• “If something feels uncomfortable, I can speak up.”

Strategies:

• “I Believe You” – “You’re cold, huh? I believe you. Let’s see what we can do about it”
• “There’s Something About…” – “there’s something about this red shirt that doesn’t feel good to you…” “there’s something about saying goodbye today that doesn’t feel good to you.”
• “You’re the Only One in Your Body” – “You’re the only one in your body so only you could know what you like”

Chapter 24: Tears – Tears are the body’s way of sending a  message about how a person is feeling

When we allow children to cry and stay with them in it, we teach them that feelings are safe, and being vulnerable is allowed.

Shame around crying is often passed down through the generations. Tears aren’t weakness – they’re emotional release and regulation.

“I can tell something important is happening for you. I care about that. I’m here” or “I can see how upset you are. I believe you. I really do.” are powerful scripts for your toolbox in these moments.

Strategies:

• Connect Tears with Importance – “did you know that sometimes our body knows things before our brain does?”it’s a powerful message to your child that sometimes our body knows things that our mind doesn’t yet understand.

Chapter 25: Building Confidence – true confidence is the belief that I can handle whatever comes my way—even if it’s hard

Confidence is our ability to feel at home with ourselves in the widest range of feelings possible and it’s built from the belief that it’s ok to be who you are, no matter what you’re feeling.

What Undermines Confidence

• Overpraising (“You’re amazing!”)
• Performance focus (“You’re the best player on the team!”)
• Fixing mistakes too quickly (“Let me just do it for you”)
• Shaming struggle (“Come on, this is easy!”)

Strategies

• Validation – name the feelings and validate them – show those feelings are ok
• “How’d you think to…” – “How’d you think to draw that?”  “How did you think to start that story that way?” – nothing feels better than when someone around us expresses interest in how we think about things, how we came up with our ideas, or where we want to go next.
• Inside stuff over outside stuff – praise effort, attitude in winning and losing, and willingness to try new things.
• You really know how you’re feeling / it’s okay to feel this way – reinforce these statements with your kids

Chapter 26: Perfectionism – Perfectionism isn’t confidence, its fear disguised as high standards

Perfectionism is a strategy to avoid the shame of not being enough.

Children who exhibit perfectionism often believe:

• Mistakes = failure
• Failure = disconnection, embarrassment, or feeling unworthy

Their self-worth becomes contingent on getting it right—every time.

Strategies:

• Make Your Own Mistakes – kids are always watching their parents and learning what they value matters most in the family.  Model that mistakes aren’t a threat to your worth.
• Do a 180 on perfectionism – “not knowing something means I can learn, and learning new things is awesome.”

Chapter 27: Separation Anxiety – When kids have a hard time separating, they’re not trying to be difficult. They’re trying to feel safe

For separation to feel manageable, children have to internalize, meaning, and have within them, the feelings that often come in the presence of a parent, to trust that they are safe in this world even when a parent is not right next to them.

Separation anxiety can be driven by fear of abandonment or loss, worry about unfamiliar situations, difficulty trusting they’ll stay in your mind once you’re gone, transitions that feel too fast or unpredictable

Strategies:

• Talka bout separation and feelings before it happens
• Routine and practice – come up with a routine that is easy to practice and repeat – when we say goodbye, I’ll give you one hug
• Transitional Object – stuffed animal, blanket can help

Chapter 28: Sleep – Sleep struggles are often separation struggles

Whether it’s stalling, fears, getting out of bed, or asking for “just one more hug,” these behaviors are often signs that your child doesn’t feel fully safe or regulated enough to rest.

Sleep disruptions are often linked to: separation anxiety, fear of the dark or the unknown, unprocessed stress from the day, a dysregulated nervous system, need for closeness or connection rituals

Strategies

• “Where is Everyone” – when you go to sleep, I’ll still be here. Even when your eyes are closed and even you can’t see me, I’m here.
• Examine Your Daytime Separation Routine – practice saying goodbye and assure that your child that even when you’re not right together, she is safe, and you will come back
• Infuse your presence – have a picture of you next to the child’s sleeping area.

Chapter 29: Kids Who Don’t Like Talking About Feelings (Deeply Feeling Kids) – Kids who resist talking about feelings often feel them more intensely than they can handle

Why These Kids Resist Emotional Talk: Fear of being overwhelmed, fear of being seen as “too much”, early experiences of shame or judgment when expressing emotions, discomfort with vulnerability, lack of internal regulation capacity

Strategies:

• Containment First – DFKs often have massive meltdowns. They often escalate quickly and are full of flails, kicks, thrown objects, and total dysregulation. Contain it first!
• You’re a Good Kid Having a Hard Time  
• Be Present and Wait it Out – nothing is more powerful as your presence. No words or fancy scripts is the most important parenting “tool”
• Thumbs Up/Down/to the Side – “I’m going to say some things…if you agree, give me a thumbs up. If it’s a no- give me a thumbs down. If something about what I said is kind of right, kind of not, give me a thumbs to the side.”